5th May- 12:45pm
reading Sally Rooney, and she inspired me to dump my thoughts too
overpowering knowledge of love, feeling scared and in the middle, head is partly cloudy, amber honey happiness present still, gorgeous old motifs coming back, the friend’s presence helps- so nice, there’s so much peace, always thinking of him with fondness and in peace, remembering his presence, strange sort of faith, unexplainable, intense, thinking of god, “good afternoon, i hope this email finds you well”, tired of talking, tired of watching, surrounded by excess, just watched a reel on “how to get off your phone” and closed it in three seconds, getting back to the notes app, life is unfair, rising political apathy, i don’t care what happens to the world as long as the people i love are safe but for how long, disgusted by the gate keeping of art, your pretense suffocates me, can’t even say that, passable sycophant, hating every second of it, opportunities are never distributed evenly, strange thought of standing shirtless in the sun to feel my mind iron out in straight sleepy lines, everything can go fuck itself, do not teach me about art, do not teach me about art, do not-, “i love the thoughtlessness you come with. do you find me worthy of your time?”, thinking of the past- write a poem and watch it go to someone else, don’t care it about it anyway though- just pissed, calm thoughts, thinking of him again- oh, beautiful, overwhelming desire in the hollow of my palm, wanting to touch again, faith clean as water, baby blue sky, reading, listening to music, thinking of god, wanting to live the right life, faith clean as water, making a home for my parents, hate talking about resumes, mouth is open for another round of: “i love the thought you bring right behind your thoughtlessness. do you see me worthy of your time? please”, ah fuck me, grab the world by its nuts and break it, thy kingdom come, thy will be done.