why am i barely turned on by men?

In an interesting series of events which is mostly dependent on chance and my boredom, I occasionally find myself in a riveting, whirlpool-ing conversation with a man. It starts off in a similar pattern. Both of us are trying to be charming, funny and a little coy with the flirting. Needless to say, only one of us is succeeding in this endeavour. (Hint: it’s me, your favourite genius because I hoard Parle-G biscuits).

I think it will be good to mention early on that these conversations happen on my Instagram. I am not on any dating apps. I have used them occasionally for just a day or two because it’s good to remember that most men are laughable in their pursuit but great in boosting my ego. Regardless of the medium, finding a decent man is like playing snakes and ladders and having the snake catch up with you at 99. So, you’re back at 0. Repeatedly. No, I do not think it’s an unusual skill to get your hoodie back after a girl has borrowed it. I think it’s better to deposit it in the bank if it’s that important.

I am usually the one being chased on account of being an attractive, show-stopping, intelligent woman (feel free to add more lovely adjectives). Does it sound like I am boasting? Well, I definitely am. I am vain enough to look at myself in every passing mirror. You’re absolutely right.

Having a man finding you pretty can give you an amazing vantage point. You see him bending over backwards to please you. The cheese is too much for you to digest. (Do I look like a mouse? Must check). He wants to build you a palace. He wants to be your knight in the shining armor. Never mind that there’s no conquest happening. Is he taking into account YOUR feelings? Hmm. Funny question. He just wants to have a shiny wonderful purse!

I think the problem is that I look too adorable. No, seriously. It’s the fact that I talk a lot with good jokes on the side. I know that I am smart enough and I have read here and there. The personality always takes the back seat though. The real issue begins with my smile and my 5’5 height which is neither too short nor too tall (intimidating). It’s enough for a man with thick shoes, pretending to be 6 feet or close to call me a penguin, a bear, a whole zoo with a promise to engulf me into a cuddle or a hug or maybe toss me around depending on the time and place. (Sometimes, a man might directly twist my eating melons into him wanting my melons. My cuteness is directly proportional to my hotness. Yay!)

It’s just because I am too cute and fun! It’s like being with a doll who you have to feed and sing to sleep because if she were a person her main hobby would just be

well, beach, poetry, ukulele, jazz combined. (Side note: she’s also scared of bugs and walks with a skip in her step).

My comedic timing is also a huge problem. Bigger than anyone’s existential crisis. I remember going on a date two years ago in April where a nice looking man who could have been 6 feet with a man bun treated me like a Prime Video Comedy Special. I racked my brain with questions for an hour until I just focused on the coffee (which was average but it’s fine. At least one miss is allowed).

Another very similar date happened in December 2023 where another nice looking man mainly put his efforts in finding me attractive. The conversation moved at the pace of a sloth. The date ended with me telling him that I have lost all questions to ask and him responding with, “Oh feel free to roast me. I would love that”.

As a Barbecue, I would have wished for rain at that very instant.

Now, I am wondering though. Am I too good looking that I leave men tongue-tied or are they just daft enough to actually talk? I do not want them to match my energy. I understand that people are introverted and/ or reserved and I am definitely more extroverted but to just behave like a bowl of food with no salt? That’s not very tasteful.

I have been on one lovely, lovely date in September 2023. I do not want to go into the details of this one because I truly enjoyed my time here. He is a normal guy, a nice guy who can talk, listen and make me laugh. How often do we find that in the same man? It’s a rare breed.

It’s not like I have been asked on very few dates. The market for women is booming, I assure you. It’s just that I am not comfortable in going out with every other man because of my physical boundaries.

Most men want a pocket-sized or a Polaroid girlfriend. These men come in various types. Either they’re “poets with a flagrant disregard of the world along with a Lana Del Ray-esque fascination with sadness” or “feminism-on-my-t-shirt men” or “talking-you-to-an-orgasm debaters” or “funny/ in finance locker room talk men” or just “guitarists”. Maybe they’re maintaining a slight stubble, a whole forest on their face or just keeping up a smooth road for you to drive your hot wheels on. Other than their deeply invigorating small talk questions like, “what’s your favourite colour?” Or “Who is your favourite artist? Send me your playlist!” They all have one thing in common. They’re all fucking horny and they all deny it.

They want a cute girl, a cool within limits girl, a girl who doesn’t ask them too many questions, a girl who thinks, “oh wow he is so hot” when he calls her beautiful or pulls out her chair or splits the bill, a girl who should take off her underwear the second he says, “do you want to go on a long walk with me?” And a girl who, by any chance, writes poems like me, should definitely give her hand in marriage if he paints his one syllable compliment (as a getaway to her pants) on her work. Do not for a second think that they want a conversation. Oh no, they do not want to talk to you. They want you to acknowledge them and their efforts which, if I have to give a color, would be off-white with black, scratchy doodles.

Now comes the fun part. The moment where their relentless pursuit will get more naked if it hasn’t been. This will happen in two scenarios:

1. You tell them that you actually like them. You’ve fallen for their gimmick and then they slowly start to disintegrate. You try to find answers but how do you separate salt from water? They might come back with, “Sorry, I am actually looking for something casual”. Now, how is it possible that a man who had fallen in love with you after a second and a half wants to become an overcrowded bus?

2. You explicitly state your disinterest. You keep your replies short and in real time, you are exposed to a Marvel superhero on a budget. Your nonchalance gives him a boner. Suddenly, you are a prize and he is the highest bidder in this auction.

Or if you’re lucky, he will just listen. In that case, he is a normal guy who, as I said before, is a rare breed. He actually considers you a person and not just a cute girl.

The dating scene is like driving on a road full of potholes. 1 in every 100 or more men manages to turn me on. Should I go to the doctor or should I wait for this tribe to finally realize that wearing a different colored black t-shirt or getting their ears pierced or putting nail paint on or listening to Peter Cat Recording Co/ Taylor Swift/ Chappell Roan/Sabrina Carpenter or whomever won’t make them attractive and that they do actually have to learn how to

well, exist for starters?